even a vegetarian circus has a clown

Said by me in a note to myself circa 2016

Note from July 23 2014

I am not even sure how to write what i need to write - but I woke up inspired about writing a book again.
So many ideas for a book so uch crazy things to talk about but one thing I seem to becoming an expert in is insanity, hardly a subject i’d like to continue to be acquainted with.
smoking cigarettes doesnt seem to help. So many stories in my head, from my mom's parenting to my first landing in chicago. to the dervishes i am currently watching on the side (baraka). And with this spinning mind - I do not know how much I can accomplish. To the unfinished paintings standing in this room hung just like clothes. almost forgot I was in japan, such a place of peace that seems to amplify the loneliness.
A bit exhausting to be crazy - this is a good title for a book.

I'm writing a chapter on Moving to New York City from San Francisco

When I lived in San Francisco I had status someone who is making a lot of money working for Lucasfilm so I got things including friends acquaintances art shows.

When I moved to New York City I reset to a baseline which is basically nothing. Ultimately it was a great thing for my art but terrible for my psyche.

Now that I go through my emails from years ago I realize how much the u.s. is about money and status. That is what is being liked basically. You could be an idiot but you must be somebody.

This is what I wrote to a “new” new york friend who was working for the new york times, literally a few days into my “new” new york life (may 2010) "I am getting used to the neighborhood, to the city and trying to fit my one bedroom flat into one room. I realized I am so provincial, attached to my shell and little things like a turtle. time to become a new yorker:)"

Boy i did.

I miss my dad, my dad remembered a lot from my life which I had completely forgotten. He would say you did this you did that you said this. Rest in peace dad и Светла ти памет

I'm writing a book about my life in New York, thank God I wrote emails because I'm a blank piece of paper every day except the hurts

Just got an idiotic email from NYFA about "Consultations For Immigrant Artists"

I wrote back: "Consultations For Immigrant Artists" sounds really racist and demeaning, I think you should remove programs based on people's race, sex, or country of origin. There isn't a single American who is not an immigrant. And what makes you think you can teach "immigrants" anything? Your email sign-off "Program Officer, Immigrant Artist Program" sounds like something from the Bureau of Prisons and not a job in the arts. If de Kooning got this he'd be really offended.

Mirena, de Kooning not

They have completely lost their minds and Orwell level 1984. Also reminds me of how the communist party used to classify people into buckets of commitment.

Yesterday was two months since my mom passed away

God, Chaos and Grandpa

There were only a few constants in my life here is three:
God
Chaos
And the smell of my grandfather's drawers

Go Elon! LMAO

My grandpa was an enemy of the Communist state and barely escaped with his life but he lost his house and business. He was a businessman, an architect, a painter and an artist

Here is my grandpa, to the right of the little girl. Grandpa had a business meeting in 1939 and he didn't have a babysitter so he took my aunt to the chamber of commerce meeting in Sofia.

I have been drawing and painting since I was four years old

I am a huge advocate of the beautiful. As Hugo says it is more useful than the useful. Art is more valuable than anything else in the world, we have art that is 40,000 years old and it's really precious to us more than any Castle, any business and any King.

For the first time in its history our country's government is being picked down to first principles

"Typpically only a small number of career officials control Treasury’s payment systems." Really? We want the fuck to know cause we are paying the money

Now I'm curious how these fucks are typically and continually ruining our country. This sounds like exactly the kind of thing I want Elon Musk to figure out.

For the first time of my life I'm actually reading politics and figuring out what the government is doing or trying to do and I approve.

And I just noticed the political enemies of Elon musk waste their little lives in changing his Wikipedia biography. But of course they gonna die and nobody is going to remember them and their little pitiful efforts to smear Elon Musk.

I want SpaceX to solve the homelessness of New York instead of the depraved idiots that are currently in charge